category: Blog
On April 5, 2000, my life changed forever. My daughter, Ella was born that day via induction, lots of narcotics and an epidural. I was 19 years old when she was born and I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I loved this little person more than I had ever loved anyone else in my life.
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Her presence in my life made me question things a little more. I no longer had only myself to worry about, I had this amazing little girl who needed me to protect her and do only the best for her.
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The first thing I looked into was birthing options. Yes, I was a little late on this, since I already gave birth; however, it was the experience of birthing her that taught me so much. During her birth I felt so uneducated and such a loss of control of my own body, it was terrifying. I had to see if every woman felt that way, or if there were more options out there.
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I was shocked to see all of the information that was out there about birth, all of the stuff I neglected to look at before her birth. I quickly became certified as a childbirth educator and a postpartum doula. I loved my job. I was committed to making sure parents were informed and knew their choices about birthing, so they could have births that made them feel powerful.
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In 2004 I went through my training and became a IBCLC (Lactation Consultant). This was the hardest road for me. Most people don’t know this, because I’ve lied to them out of shame, but Ella was not breastfed. I tried in the hospital, but was so embarrassed when a nurse tried to help and said I didn’t have the right type of nipples for breastfeeding, that I never sincerely tried again. I did try locking myself in the bathroom and pumping a few times, but that never worked. Again, I felt broken. I saw all the formula ads that told me formula was just as good as the breast and I believed them. Why would they lie?
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In the lactation course, I had to face the fact that breastfeeding is ridiculously superior to formula feeding… There was so much crying for me during that time. So much grieving for what I didn’t give my daughter. Of course, no one knew that. I told everyone she was breastfed; I didn’t want to look like a bad mom.
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Getting to help women breastfeed their babies was and still is very healing. I am helping them give their children something so beneficial and I am helping them with that bond that I had never been fortunate enough to have with my daughter. That bond that is made when you are sustaining a life with your body.
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In 2006 I gave birth to twins as a surrogate. I swore this birth experience was going to be different than my first. I knew so much more. However my power was again taken when I was told that I couldn’t get out of bed, since my water had broken. WHAT? No, I had plans of moving around and getting in the shower and having a natural birth. They couldn’t do this to me. They did though. So, I asked for the epidural once again. I don’t know if I was lucky or not, but the epidural didn’t take. I had a lot of side effects from it, like vomiting, fever and a headache, but no pain relief. Through all of this, I still couldn’t get out of bed. I was able to birth those beautiful babies vaginally and see their parent’s faces glow while holding them. That was truly one of the best experiences in my entire life. I will never forget their faces. I am so lucky to have been able to have done that with them.
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I continued my career as an educator and consultant, drawing from all of my many experiences, always feeling like there was so much to learn, trying to soak it all in. I got other trainings and certifications along the way, loving it every time I got to help a new family. It’s really a natural high you get when you help someone.
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In 2008 I became pregnant again, with my own baby this time. I knew that this time there was no way I was going to come near a hospital to birth my child. They took enough power from me; I would not give them any more. On March 9, 2009 I gave birth to Apollo at home with my family surrounding me. Talk about empowering! I am woman, hear me roar!
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I of course didn’t fail to point out all of the things I wish I had done better. Then I gave myself a swift kick in the ass. I gave birth to my child at home, no drugs, no separation from my child, and he was feeding at my breast within minutes after birth. Nothing could have gone better. I made my birth slideshow and watch it at least once a month, so I can re-live the experience. That day I grew more, I really felt like I gave birth to my son at home because my daughter sacrificed at her birth and taught me everything I know today.
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After my sons birth, I knew that my life was going to change again, in ways other than the obvious. I knew that I wanted to do something different.
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It wasn’t until I started thinking about how old Ella was getting that it dawned on me where I am headed. I started thinking about girls and all of their issues with menstruation and body image…I thought of myself at her age and knew I wanted her to be more empowered than I ever was.
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That’s when I decided to make her a book with a collection of stories from women about the day they first started their period, so she would know that she’s entering a sisterhood of sorts. As the stories were coming in, I was overwhelmed with emotion when I saw how many women had negative experiences and still have negative attitudes about menstruation.
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I want there to be a source out there where girls can get information about menstruation that’s not tainted with negativity; somewhere where they can learn about their body and the fact that it’s not dysfunctional. So, now I am writing a book. I know nothing about writing a book, but I know I HAVE to write this one.
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More and more I realized that teaching about birth was no longer my passion. I don’t believe that I am doing any one any good by teaching them without the passion behind it. So, I have stopped teaching and only help mothers with breastfeeding on occasion.
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I am now trying to write my book, learning how to write a blog, Twitter and Facebook constantly. Whew, that alone is a huge task while taking care of 2 kids and running an online store.
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Every day I write and force myself to actually sit and think more than I ever have before, and I see where my passion lies now. I want to help girls and women learn about their bodies and its functions in a positive way. I want to help girls and women that have self esteem and body image issues. I want to empower girls and women.
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In the past 2 days I have thought about 2 more books that I want to publish. They are more photo-type books that will help girls and women with body image. The road block I am hitting is the fact that for one of the books, I need help getting some female celebrities. This seems like a daunting task. I am sure they will never listen to a mom from Orange County, so I need someone with connections to help me. For the 2nd book, I need women who are about to conceive, who are pregnant, and who are nursing.
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I am reluctant to say what the specifics are about my books, but if anyone can help me achieve my dreams, I would be so appreciative. Again, I need anyone that can help me contact female celebrities, women who are trying to conceive, women who are pregnant and women who are nursing. Also, a female photographer would be great as well.
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I am so excited about this new path my life is taking. It sounds so cheesy, but really, I just want to make a difference in someone’s life. I want to know that I have helped people and that I have educated and empowered as many women as possible.
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I feel that my children came into this world to teach me something (among other reasons). I am forever in their debt for all I have learned from them. Every person that I may help can just thank my kids, because if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t be here.
