category: Blog
I’ve been gone for a while, unable to blog…It hasn’t been a vacation, but it’s for sure been an experience that has kept me away.
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I found out I was pregnant at the end of January. This was wonderful news, since we were trying months before. However, I found myself being thrown in the deepest depths of depression unlike anything I’ve ever known.
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I honestly stopped being a functioning human being. I stopped working, I stopped taking care of my kids as well as I normally do, and I stopped being a loving wife to my husband. I didn’t want to be dead, but I didn’t know how to live anymore. I honestly felt like I was trapped inside of this body; I could see who I wanted to be, but I couldn’t get myself to actually do that.
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This was so shocking to me. During my previous pregnancies I am usually very happy, its generally the one time in my life I don’t have to worry about depression. But here I was, on the couch day after day, unable to be me. One time Apollo saw a commercial of a woman laying down, looking miserable and he pointed to it and said, “Mommy!”. That broke my heart.
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Steve usually doesn’t handle depression or illness in general very well. He’s not what you would call a caretaker. However, he must have seen something that he hadn’t before in me, because he stepped up to the plate and was there for me every second. He never bitched at me for being a lazy slob, like I deserved. Instead he ran our business, he cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids and he took care of me. I saw yet another side of him, his compassionate, care taking side. He knew I wasn’t just being lazy, he knew something was really wrong and he was determined to help me through it.
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I won’t even begin to go into the specifics of all I’ve done for myself, to get myself out of that place…perhaps that is another posting. I will say that I learned that even though I normally have all of this ambition to start this or that project, that there is no rush for me to do it all now. I need to focus my time and energy on just a couple things, and grow from there. My number one priority now is my family; they come before emails, phone calls, etc. After that is Confident Beginnings Shop and Placenta Encapsulation, those are my focus’ right now and it feels great to not be spread so thin.
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I have also started exercising more: walking, yoga and zumba. It’s true, exercise does help your moods, no matter how much you don’t want to sometimes, in the end I’m always thankful I did. Mediation has also been a necessity; I never thought I was any good at it before, but now I just go with it, whether I’m doing it right or wrong doesn’t matter, all that I care about is I am finally shutting up and listening. I’ve had a few readings and a wonderful energy healing. I see my incredible Applied Kinesiologist every 2 weeks, for muscle testing, chiropractic care, and CST work. I also make sure I take all of my supplements, including the wonderful E3 Live-Brain on.
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Every day I have to remind myself not to go back to that place. Some days I have to convince myself to not even sit on the couch, because it might not let go again. I’ve grown a lot spiritually because of this; I’ve had to face the darkness in my past so that I can create a future that doesn’t follow the same path. In a way I am forever thankful that this has happened to me. It has changed the way I view things and it’s forced me to grow spiritually, its changed every piece of who I am.
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I know that I am not the only one who has been through something like this. What I wonder is why is it that I’ve been working in this field for 10 years and I’ve never had anyone talk to me about it? Do we expect pregnant women to be so happy that we don’t even address the darker emotions she might be experiencing?? I’m sure that many women aren’t as lucky as I am to have all of the resources that I currently have at my disposal, the resources that have helped save me…so what do they do?? Do they give birth and then dive into deep postpartum depression or psychosis??? I want any pregnant woman who is struggling with depression to know that I am here and I understand, you can contact me any time, to just talk or cry. You aren’t alone!
