Is it possible??

posted by: April on April - 5 - 2011
category: Blog

As you know from yesterday’s post, I have realized that I’ve lived my life waiting for something bad to happen, that I am living in a constant state of fear. I will save my time and yours and not retell my story there; instead, I have another question for you. Is it naïve of me to expect to one day live without worry and fear? To live like a small child who finds beauty and wonder in all they see? Are adults too jaded to ever have that peace and love for every minute we are given in this lifetime?  I really hope that the answer to that is no.

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I see people that seem to be living so freely, so in love with life. I want to run up to them and ask if it’s real, if they really act that way behind closed doors too. Maybe I should one day or maybe I should find myself a mentor for living, because honestly, changing the focus has been tough so far.

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I’ve been working at being in the moment, but it’s a constant work in progress. How many people can say they can really do that? To not look at yesterday or into tomorrow, but know what is happening at  this moment…the sounds, the smells, the view, who takes it all in and feels it all?

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Of course we all have to take the time for our future, planning for this and that, but there should be some sort of balance there. A place where you aren’t living in future plans; you make them while you are still fully present in today.

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I’m going to choose to believe that I can regain my child like sense of peace and wonder. I think that it’s worth the effort, because every time I manage to get there for a couple minutes its pure bliss… I know I can learn to stay in that state.

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Wish me luck…or peace…or both.

2 Comments

nicolecesario

May 26, 2011

Hello April. While it is a horrible thing to feel those things that you describe in this blog, I find myself smiling while reading it. I am so thankful that I am not the only one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It really does feel like a plague of the mind. I myself atributed these feeling to an “out of control” childhood – used to the feelings that all things good will come to a bitter end. Perhaps you can relate to my circumstances, or maybe not. The thing that helps me the most I think when the plagueing thoughts strike is concentrating on how much I love my baby, and how I will do anything to protect her. Since that is all that I can do, I will do it well. After reading your “about” page, and after working with you at the midwifery, it is clear that you have applied this philosophy yourself. I hope that we can learn with time to live in the moment as you put it. But in the meantime, lets remember that our fears are only as deep as our love. PS Hazel is turning 1 June 9th. We are breast feeding and will continue until she says no!! Every time I thought I could not make it I remembered you saying to trust in the process and push through. I did, and I thank you so very much for what you are doing.

April

May 26, 2011

Wow Nicole, thank you so much for commenting…yes, I can very much relate to the circumstances you were talking about..I’m sure that much of the mentality we have stems from there. My love for my kids is what really gets me through those hardest times, I think its a great way to “get through” those times when the worst thoughts won’t leave you alone!

Congratulations on almost 1 year of successful breastfeeding, I am so happy to hear that you did trust in the process and got to reap all of the benefits it gave you :)

So great to hear from you!

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