Bad thoughts…

posted by: April on April - 10 - 2011
category: Blog

The other night as I was putting Apollo to sleep, he was being the sweetest little boy you could ever imagine. He took my hand and held it, then kissed it…then just laid on me and was so ridiculously precious, it made my heart just fill with love for him.

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Then, the inevitable happened… I stopped myself from enjoying the moment and thought about how he could be taken away from me at any second, how he could die, and there was nothing I could do about it. This is what usually happens to me the minute something great is happening in my life. I immediately think about what could happen to ruin that moment.

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I’m sick right?? But, this is what I am struggling with every single day. I am trying to stop the negative speak in my head and enjoy the moment; enjoy the fact that my son is amazing and wonderful and loving…live in that moment and remember it for forever, because it will never happen again.

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Recognizing that I do this and knowing that it’s a problem is half the battle right? I hope so, because that is what I am telling myself. When I realized what I was doing, I started going back to my breathing, to bring awareness to the moment…then I was just fully present with my son.  It felt good to stop doing something that is so unhealthy and immediately make it right. It still bothers me that I do it at all, but hey, I’m not by any means perfect.

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Other people do this, right? I surely can be the only one with this morbid thought process…

2 Comments

angelique

April 12, 2011

april. i woke up this morning just sad. feeling like today might just be a sad movie and tears day. i then went to take a shower and upon drying my hair, i saw grey hair after grey hair. usually i just throw my hair in a ponytail but after a month of that i just want to wear it down….so blowdrying it and seeing the reality of my hair color instantly got tears in my eyes. i couldn’t help but think that i am getting older…isn’t grey hair a sign of aging? than i thought about how old i am (which isn’t old) but the thought that i could possibly already lived half my life. that half of my life was a blink of an eye. of course it doesn’t help my mind whenever i go anywhere and people always say to me “enjoy this time because it goes so fast” i hate this statement because i know it goes so fast. so here i am sitting in a funk that i can’t seem to take myself out of. then i read your post. i can’t tell you what it does to my soul. i start to feel like i am the only one letting these awful thoughts consume my mind and literally change my day and reading your post has me feeling okay. so thank you for being so vulnerable and letting us in to your deepest thoughts. i know it has helped me today. i love reading your blogs and i look for them now. hope to see you soon. again, thank you.

April

April 12, 2011

Angelique,
I love you :) Thank you so much for sharing yourself with me…It warms my heart to know that I may have helped in any way by sharing my thoughts. Sometimes I think I’m just being negative and I shouldn’t write down my thoughts, but then I hear from you and I know that I’m writing this all down for a reason… Im here for you, thanks for being there for me… I love ya!!

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