My little girl made herself known to many of us who already love her… visiting in dreams, etc. I had no doubt that she was a special soul who picked us as her family; how lucky are we?  From the beginning of the pregnancy I felt her spirit; it was very gentle, peaceful and full of love. I felt that this birthing would be spiritual for me and once she was here, she would just fit right in, like she belonged here all along.

Nearing the end of my pregnancy, I was eager to meet this soul. The herbs I was taking were making me feel like I was in early labor 24 hours a day, which made things very hard for me. I finally went off of the herbs, knowing that she would come when ready and that we didn’t need them to help us anymore.

On Saturday, September 24^th I started feeling light contractions. I didn’t pay much attention to them, because I honestly felt contractions in the evening quite frequently. Around midnight, they seemed to get more intense, and then I started to worry. I begged my daughter and the universe to not let things start now. It was so late and I was so exhausted, I knew I didn’t have what I needed to give birth that night. I laid down on the couch (my new sleeping spot) and went to bed. I was so excited to wake up at 2am for my routine bathroom trip and find that the contractions went away.

Sunday morning Ella and I met my 2 girlfriends, Kim and Angelique, for brunch. I confessed that I had begged for labor to stop the night before, so things might start again soon. Throughout the day I was feeling contractions, but had no idea how far apart they were. Around dinner time, I knew that they weren’t stopping, this was it. Steve, Ella, Apollo and I all ate a hearty dinner and then set up the birth pool. There was a sense of anticipation for the big event in all of us, even Apollo knew something was about to happen. I was feeling pretty confident that I would be giving birth sometime late that night.

Steve put Apollo to sleep and Ella and I watched TV and worked through contractions together until about 9:30pm. Then I told Ella she better get some sleep, which she was reluctant to do, but finally passed out while watching me breathe through my contractions.

I was getting a bit frustrated that contractions wouldn’t get closer together. They were about 10 minutes apart, very consistently. I was texting Lindsey, my Midwife and Kim, my friend/doula asking them what to do. I walked up and down my stairs more times than I could count, got on my birth ball and circled my hips while doing nipple stimulation. Nothing. Lindsey told me to sleep. I thought this would be impossible, with the excitement of knowing I was in labor and the contractions coming every 10 minutes, how could I sleep? But, around midnight, I gave Steve a kiss and went downstairs to sleep on the couch.

What a crazy night. I really thought that I would end up falling asleep and wake up in the morning to find that my contractions had disappeared…it happened so many times before. This time was different though, I was woken up every 8-10 minutes by contractions, some of them making me moan deeply, some making me reach out for help-even though there was no one there to reach for. I was timing everything on my phone, half asleep…once in a while I would check the intervals and couldn’t believe they weren’t closer together.

Around 6am, just before the sunrise, I decided to get up and ask Steve to make me something. I was starving and I knew I needed energy. I had a banana and Steve made me a protein shake that I barely could drink, despite being so hungry. Since I had been up and walking, my contractions became much closer together. I told Kim I wanted her there soon because I knew I needed her support and ideas on how to get things going! I woke Ella up and told her she would be going to school that day, but I would make sure we got her home if anything happened. She didn’t want to leave me, but knew that I wouldn’t give birth without her.

Once Kim came, I lost track of time. Everything kind of blends together, so bear with me here. Apollo was up and wanted in on the action, he wanted Steve’s attention so much that I asked Steve to call his sister, Susan so she could come be with Apollo. Once Apollo was with his Auntie, Kim said we needed to get some pressure on my cervix so she took me and Steve outside for a walk. We walked up and down my street many times…each time a contraction came I would melt into her and breathe, it was wonderful. Angelique (my friend/doula) showed up and joined us while we were walking, lending her loving hands and support. Lindsey, our amazing photographer also showed up around this time and started documenting our journey. These walks with Steve, Kim and Angelique are one of the fondest memories I have of my labor. I felt wonderful being outside and so surrounded by love, it was perfection.

I would go inside  of the house once in a while to use the restroom or to get on my hands and knees. However my contractions were the most intense and consistent outside. During one of the walks, I guess my contractions were to the point where Kim told Angelique to go call Lindsey (the Midwife).I was shocked at this, because to me, I wasn’t close to having a baby, I was still working with my body and doing well, I couldn’t be ready to have the Midwife come.

Lindsey and Courtney (her equally amazing assistant) arrived and set up everything downstairs. I remember walking into the house and seeing everything all set up. I think this gave me a little bit of performance anxiety. I felt so bad that they had come and would be here for so long, because in my head I wasn’t even close.

My sister and niece arrived around this time as well. My sister does something for me when I am in labor, I discovered it when I had Apollo…just the connection I have with her, she doesn’t need to speak or anything, but having her there just helps me so much. I don’t think its something that can ever be put into words.

At one point, I was sitting backwards on the downstairs toilet, because this felt amazing…it was dark with a few candles lit. Steve and Kim were there I believe (I could be wrong), but this is when I had my emotional release…I sobbed like a child. I felt like nothing was happening despite my best efforts. I was scared that I couldn’t do it for as long as I would need to, but most of all, I think I just needed to sob like a baby. It was SUCH a release for me.

I got out of the bathroom and went to hang on the door (with the awesome sheet contraption Kim came up with) but again, I just felt emotionally weak. Steve looked at Jen (my sister) and said that he thought that I need Ella. My husband is so wise, I love him for knowing this. My sister went and picked Ella up from school, when I saw her I just buried my head into her chest (I was sitting on the birth ball) and held her so tight and just cried… Ella has an amazing loving and nurturing side; at that moment I felt like we traded roles, that she was the loving mother consoling her sobbing child. She was exactly what I needed.

During this time, they were filling up the pool for me, which ended up being way too hot, so they had to then do everything they could to cool it down so I could get in. I was surprised at how much I loved the pool, since I really didn’t enjoy it with Apollo’s birth. Contractions seemed to settle down a bit here though, I think, so Lindsey suggested Steve and I go upstairs and take a shower together.

While in the shower I found myself pushing through every single contraction, it just felt so good. This was a little surprising, but I was just following my body. Once I got out, and was leaning over the side of my bed, pushing didn’t feel so good, so then I started to worry. I worried that I was pushing too soon and just made my cervix swell up, and now everything was going to take longer. This is when knowing too much and using your brain during labor just doesn’t work in your favor.

The contractions were much more intense now and I was starting to moan and sometimes even scream louder. I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. When Lindsey, Kim and Angelique were with me I remember saying that, and Lindsey just laughed and said something like “Sorry April, you are in a room with 3 women who know that you CAN do it”. I knew she was right. My saving grace was that my contractions were still about 4 minutes apart, so I had great resting time, plus my water still wasn’t broken, so I feel like that made the contractions a little easier.

I was getting tired and said I wanted to sleep, so they all suggested I try to lay down. Steve and I laid down together on the bed and I only got through one contraction there, I told Steve to help me up immediately because I never want to have another contraction laying down again. He suggested I go downstairs again, but on my way down, Lindsey stopped me and told me to stay upstairs so I wasn’t feeling so watched.

I was just standing at the top of the stairs and Lindsey came behind me and held up my belly during contractions, I hated this, but I know it was helping. She also made me move my hips in circles, before, during and after contractions…again, I hated it, but trusted that she knew exactly what she was doing. And by the intensity of the contractions, I know it was doing a lot. I was vocalizing a lot more now, sometimes I would go to a scream and Lindsey would remind me to keep the noises low and deep… Steve said I was singing at this point, it was probably more moaning with some melody, but whatever it was, it helped me out so much.

After some time at the top of the stairs, I went downstairs to the tub. Steve got in with me this time, although instead of resting on him, I was on my knees leaning over the side of the tub. Things were very intense at this point. I know I started vomiting a lot and this got me hopeful. I knew I must be close now. I reached up inside of my vagina and felt Gwen’s head,  it was up there, but not too far. I wanted to see what would happen if I pushed, so for the next contraction I pushed when I felt the urge and was really surprised when he head came all the way to the opening of my vagina. I knew that this was it. However I must not have said anything to anyone, because no one knew just how close she was. Steve was applying counter pressure on my bottom (at the midwives direction) and apparently had a towel or something covering so they didn’t have a view of my vagina. With the next contraction I pushed her head out to about her brow line. I stopped because it hurt! With Apollo I remember it feeling so great to push. This time, I felt every little thing, and I felt like I might tear towards my urethra, so I just stopped pushing and put some support on my urethra area. I went through another contraction without pushing, then asked everyone if it was ok for her head to be half out like that for so long. This caused a stir because no one knew. Steve took the towel away and saw our little girls head!

I decided that I had to keep pushing, because, well, what else could I do? So with the next contraction I pushed with all my might, while touching her head the whole time and felt her head just pop out….SO exciting. Without even thinking I pushed with all my might again, I wanted to meet my baby! In an instant she was out! I did it!!! I pushed her out into Steve’s hands. He was the first to touch our sweet little girl.

Steve caught her and then put her between my legs to pass her off to me, however, I was so out of it, I was looking from side to side behind me to see where she was! Lindsey said “April, get your baby” and showed me that she was between my legs! She helped me pull her up into my arms and then I instantly went back and leaned against Steve so we could admire our beautiful little girl together.

I was in awe, I was euphoric. She was totally perfect in every way. I heard someone sobbing behind me and when I looked up I saw Ella and my niece Amanda just sobbing away. I really don’t think that there was a dry eye in the whole house. It was just a beautiful moment. I kissed my husband and my new little baby girl and just absorbed all of the love in the room. Susan brought Apollo over to meet his new sister and he loved her from the start. He just wanted to get in the pool with us. Then when we said he couldn’t he said he wanted to hold baby sissy… simply precious.

Guinevere Sloan Kurtyka was born at 4:09pm on Monday, September 26^th, 2011. She was born peacefully at home, surrounded by so much love. She nursed like a pro within 20 minutes of being born; and just like I predicted, she fits right into our family. The transition has been smoother than I could dream of.

I am now blessed with 3 gorgeous children and a husband whom I love and adore. I can’t think of any words to describe how lucky I feel, my cup runneth over.

The specific experience I was seeking was one of empowerment and for this reason I required our birth team to wear bright yellow warrior headbands until baby was born. I was seeking a period of time where my mind, body and spirit worked together towards something I truly wanted for myself, to become a mother. I envisioned, but was not always sure, that birthing my baby could give this to me.

I began working with Ellen and Christina, the midwives of WombService Midwifery at 13 weeks gestation and was able to build a great relationship with them. Their care helped me build a good relationship to my pregnant body and to our unborn baby, that I believe was the basis for the success of our home birth. If you are in search of midwifery care they come highly recommended.

Here’s the story…

It was merely my due date but already I was feeling impatient. I had been told that the baby could come as early as 37 weeks and now I was at week 40…and I was there with my impatient nose pressed against the glass window of the womb store, chanting “open open open.”  In an effort to “let go” I had set an altar to the baby and lit a 7 day candle to Yemaya. The flicker of the flame helped to remind me that things were under control and I was not the one in charge.

In an added effort to let go, my love and I took the dog to the beach, then we ran amuck in Target, playing with the toys and generally being a menace. Giggling wildly, we got many a sideways glance from the new parents shopping with sleeping infants. Then, with our practical purchases of razors, toothbrushes and a squeaky squirrel shaped dog toy we headed to the grocery store. It was there that I began to realize that it felt like I was wetting my pants very slowly.

A call to Ellen brought us to the conclusion that my water was leaking and I was instructed to take ecinacea and vitamin C, eat a good meal and later a snack, sleep as soundly as I could and refrain from having sex. I was also given strict instructions not to do anything to bring on contractions. Most likely labor would start in the morning so it was best to be well rested and fueled for the journey ahead.

We begrudingly traded our planned pepperoni pizza dinner for a more sensible rice and kale dish. By the time I got home, I found blood when I wiped and so it seemed our baby was truly on its way.

At 4 am-ish I woke with a contraction that felt a lot like menstrual cramps. Thinking they were supposed to hurt much more, I doubted that I was really in labor. At 6:30 am I had another. Not wanting to watch a boiling pot into stopping…I got up and showered and went about my day. At some point I called Ellen and she advised me against timing the contractions too closely.  We were instead to keep ourselves busy. If I felt the urge to time them, then she suggested I do so for 5 or 6 of them, but not to get obsessed with it.

By rough estimate, I was having 2 or 3 contractions an hour (but I was still not convinced I was in labor)…so we went to The Goodwill to find a bowl for the placenta. While shopping, I had to stop what I was doing and focus on the sensation of each contraction. Perhaps I was really in labor?

Then we got some Mexican food…which I had been told by our birth attendant not to have since I would probably throw it up later. Mexican food might be good going down, but it’s never as good coming back up.

At home we passed the time by playing cards, eating Miso Soup and intermittently timing contractions. Now there were about 8 minutes apart and 50 secs long. Each one requiring me to stop and breath, though they weren’t too intense. My love was amazingly supportive but as a man I doubted he knew what to do and when, so we called my midwife and she suggested we call Karlon, our birth attendant, and tell her it was time to come. Doubt (that bitch) kept telling me that birth wasn’t really happening and I was afraid of crying wolf. But I called her anyway and she dropped what she was doing and was at our house within an hour.

Karlon arrived at 7pm and once she was there I was able to relax and know that we had good supervision. She is a woman who has given birth naturally and believes in home births and so I could let go. I trusted her to know what might be going on. At this point the contractions began to feel heavy in my back. After a couple of hours they were closer together. Karlon suggested that we call the midwives to come.

Not long after 9pm the ladies showed up. Ellen determined that my waters had not actually been leaking and therefore I could get into the birth tub. What a relief.

At this point my love brought in a cactus whose budding flower he had been closely tracking since June (it was now Septembet). These cactuses flower for only one night and as it turned out, the flower was open. He brought it in to show me and put it on the baby’s alter. It was such a beautiful symbol of the balance between the masculine and the feminine, with the tall phallic cactus with a huge white soft flower hanging off of it. The smell was intoxicating and the sychronicity of the event was amazing. The flower opened to show me the way.

With the all parties in attendance and my laboring body in the birthing tub, I left. I entered what they call labor land, because from this point on, the linear nature of the story stops. The rest is written loosely in a way to mimic how I experienced it…I had many more contractions than the ones I document here,…

Contraction: Horse lips, moaning, birth tub, Karlon massaging my hips together during to relieve my back pain

Break: Remembering what Jessica taught during Thai Goddess Pose in Prenatal Yoga* Once a contraction is over…let it go.

Contraction: Breathe 2 3 4, breathe 2 3 4. Okay. I can do this.

Break: DOUBT says “But what if you can’t?” I say “No we can!!”

I need water. Water provided

“I feel like I am going to vomit, but I am not a vomitter…I usually have to make myself vomit”

Labor on the Toilet

Contraction: “Okay I going to vomit, I need the bucket” The bucket is disgusting…it’s from the garden and has dirt caked in the bottom…”I can’t use this bucket” I vomited on the bathroom rug instead. 4 times…there goes the miso soup.

Okay I feel better.

Contraction: Rocking on my hands and knees. Or Draped over the ball while it was on the bed and I am standing. Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving through the contractions. We won’t get stuck.

Okay contraction….

I want to be checked. I was 3 cm…but my cervix was soft and can be opened to 6 cm or so. This hurts like a motherfucking bitch.

Okay back to laboring…On the toilet…then I vomit again…now in the bed. Coconut water. Peeing, Needing to poo…blood on the tissue every time I wipe.

Doubt “YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO DO THIS. “ THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG. EVERYONE THINKS SO. YOU ARE FAILING” But I keep on moving through it…

Contraction

Shove doubt aside. Muttering “thank you thankyou thank you.” “I do this with ease” “My body and my baby work together to create harmonious birth.” “My body is healthy” “My pelvis is open” Mutter anything to get through the contractions.

Next contraction I am crying…I can’t do this. “How long will this take?” I ask. “As long as it takes” says Ellen.

Someone suggests I lay on my side and try to sleep between contractions, to my surprise, I am able to. I pass out for however long…a minute… and then wake to a contraction and moan or mutter and then go back to resting. Back and forth this way, contraction, sleep, contraction, sleep.

I do the same thing as I straddle the toilet backwards with a pillow on the back of the tank. This was by far the most comfortable position I was in the whole time.

Doubt again says “no way no way no way. You can’t do this.” I brush him aside again and keep moving forward. I imagine that I am failing that I have to go to hospital. I think I cannot do this. I think about getting in the car…I have hated riding in the car this whole pregnancy. The idea of putting myself in the car does not compute. Sorry Doubt get out.

I move on.

I get angry, I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to give up. I have had enough. My back hurts. My body hurts…someone else should do this.

I want to be checked again…I have not opened any more. I am discouraged. I say so. I get back in the tub. I cry. I can’t do this. My doubt is right and convinces me I need to go to the hospital. I say this out loud. Karlon says “Vicki, if go to the hospital, you still have to have the baby.”

Now I imagine the flouresent lights of the hallway of the hospital. I realize I can go if I want to. I don’t want to. I like the dimly lit room, and the smell of the cactus flowe. I don’t want to leave. I want my baby. Right! Okay then, back to the laboring.

Now I mutter through contractions “Oh baby.” “I want my baby” “My baby knows what to do”

I vomit more, I cry more. I moan more. I sleep more. The night is passing, I must be taking too long. I am angry. Then I am calm.

She checks me again. 9 and a half centimeters. I can start pushing. I reach up inside and feel a bubble that is the bag of waters. Now I concentrate on trying to push the baby though and break the bag. 2 hours go by, our back-up midwife shows up…bright eyed. Day is coming. This is taking too long. I must be failing. I get back in the tub.

I began to feel my momma. I miss my momma. I realize maybe I judged her too harshly and now that she is dead I won’t be able to be forgiven and I won’t get to be a good momma because it was so hard with her and I think maybe my baby won’t come because of this and I start to cry and for a moment I feel stuck. I spoke this confusion out loud and I opened my eyes and everyone was sitting around me holding vigil. Not saying anything. There is no more music playing. Just three strong women and my man and no one feels sorry for me and no one is going anywhere. They all believe I can do this even with all the doubt and they are all in it for the long haul. The water feels cold. I get out.

I want to go outside. We go outside. Contraction…I squat and pee on the ground. I ask the midwives to break my water, she says “Why? So that we can speed it up?” I think “um Obivously.”

Some time passes, my contractions slow to a crawl. I can’t break through the bag. The baby is not moving. I am not having any more contractions. Ellen says they can break the water.

“Will it will hurt more?” Christina says the contractions will get more intense and then asks “Are you ready to meet you baby?” I am. They break my waters….a gush, a release. Pressure has eased and now…a new kind of pressure. Now I feel like I can move the baby down.

I squat and push and grunt. The ladies say “It’s like taking a crap” Um yeah. “Use all your energy to push down” “Don’t make noise” “use that energy” “Good” You are doing it”

I am squatting so low with each contration that Ellen fears the baby will hit the ground, she wants me to move. It is at this point that I can connect with our child and I get determined and tell my body we have only 5 contractions left. This baby is coming out. There is no time to adjust to a new position…I decide to half squat. Hanging on to the edge of the bed, I get 3 good pushes out of every contraction. And the baby is at the opening. They put a mirror under me. “Do you want to see his head?” NO. I don’t want to see it, I want to be done now, I want to have this baby.

With eash push, I can feel the head come to the edge of me, opening me and when the contraction passes I feel it go back in. Later I am told this is good, so that I do not tear. I do not want to tear. Everytime I push my hips open just a little more. There is no pain at this point. It is only sensation and sheer determination. One more contraction…somehow I know this is the last one…no more after this. I get my three good pushes, baby is not out, the contraction has past, but I am not taking this baby back into my body. I push once more without a contraction but with all my might and the head is out, the body is out, the baby is in our arms and I am sitting on the edge of the bed. My man is all teary faced and crying. The baby is screaming. All the ladies are making sounds of joy and encouragement and love. I look and see that the baby is a boy. I knew it.

And the whole time the doubt was present, like a pesky neighbor sticking his nose our business, wanting us to do the whole thing differently. Nothing would have made birth easier. I have heard of women who have orgasms at birth. I have no idea how that is possible. The idea that birth can be blissful must come from some kind of labor amnesia. I look back now and I am proud of what we did. That we kept sweeping that doubt away and that I kept myself focused on the release and empowerment I was seeking.

And my baby. I am so proud of my baby.

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To say the least, there are so many great services we can provide to help everyone out there! Make sure to take a look at our services section and let us know if you have any questions!

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A few weeks into my pregnancy I spoke with my Mom about her birth experience and she told me that she delivered naturally and did not have an epidural. I was blown away. Women still had babies naturally and some even went as far as to not use medication to numb the pain? Well, I decided that I could do that too.I just had to find the right environment and the right people to nurture my birth experience and get myself mentally and physically prepared.

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I struggled for 3 months to find the perfect OB, which never happened for me.  I struggled for 3 more months to find the perfect hospital midwife, which never happened either. Meanwhile I was researching all of the options women had for childbirth and I discovered that some women labor and deliver at home. (Gasp!) At home?! I could have a birth experience that didn’t require me to ever leave my house? It sounded calm, and gentle and absolutely delightful! I told my doula that I was interested in exploring homebirth and she scheduled an appointment with homebirth midwives with whom she worked. Our first appointment was love at first sight for me!

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After my husband, Ben, became comfortable with the idea of homebirth we signed on with our fantastic midwives. I was doing prenatal yoga at this point and had also discovered HypnoBirthing. Not only was I confident that I had made the right choice in regards to where I wanted to have my birth, but I was sure that I was making the right choices in preparing myself mentally and physically for the big event. So when the time finally came on Monday May 9th I felt beyond ready.

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I knew the real thing was happening when I started having surges that felt like none I had experienced before. The pressure was more intense and there was a tension that hadn’t been there with previous surges. Luckily Ben stayed home from work and we were able to relax and watch movies all day. During surges, while watching the latest Harry Potter film, I would focus all of my energy into utilizing the breathing techniques I had learned in our HypnoBirthing class. As the night went on and my surges intensified I sat on my yoga ball, moving slowly back and forth and from side to side, walked around the house, and started using some vocal toning.

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When active labor started and my doula arrived I created a little comfort zone for myself in the living room. Ben put on my HypnoBirthing Affirmations track and I laid on the couch, breathing into each surge while staring at the birth art I had made to use as focal points. When I felt I needed to change positions I moved to my yoga mat. I did Cat-Cow and vocal toning during each surge and would rest in Child’s Pose.I really did feel like a birth warrior – just like my prenatal yoga instructor told me I would. My next move was to switch between rocking on the birth ball and “slow dancing” with my husband, while my doula massaged by back. I think I used every technique we had practiced in our HypnoBirthing class, plus more when I needed something different. I also used vocal toning for almost every surge over the next 12 hours. I had almost lost my voice by the end, but vocalizing helped me to send the vibrations and the breath down to my cervix. It made me feel strong and centered.

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After laboring in almost every room of my house for 9 hours my water finally broke. I had fallen asleep sitting backwards on the toilet, with my husband asleep against the wall behind me, his hands massaging my shoulders. (I’m not sure how he was able to continue massaging while snoozing, but I’m so thankful he did!) I ran out of the bathroom yelling, “My water broke! My water broke!” My midwife settled me down and told me we still had time and I needed to really focus my energy now because the cushion was gone and the pressure was about to increase…and increase it did, but I was ready.

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At this point I was able to sleep between surges, so I took little naps between almost every one. I remember waking up for a surge, looking back at the window as I lay on the bed and realizing that it was light out. I had made it through the night! I ended up in what most refer to as the “pushing phase” for almost 3 hours.  I was able to breathe down for the first hour, but after that my body was depleted of energy and was telling me I needed to push. My midwives told me to listen to what my body was saying. My little baby’s hands were up by his head and all I could do was wait patiently for him to move them so we could get things moving along.

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After encouragement from my midwife, doula and my husband I gathered all the energy I had left to get up, get something to eat, and change positions to deliver our baby. The midwives were cooking breakfast – I could smell something on the stove and coffee brewing – and someone made me scrambled eggs. I choked down eggs, strawberries, spoonfuls of honey, yogurt and string cheese. It worked in almost instantly to boost my energy.

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I moved into the birth tub, took a squatting position, and started to feel my baby moving down with each surge. What an amazing sensation to reach down and feel my baby’s head. He was going to be with us any minute! Although that feeling gave me the energy to get him out, it was taking every last bit of my energy so I needed my husband to help me stay up. He jumped in the tub, sat behind me and held me up. I could feel a burning sensation and my midwife reminded me not to push, but to focus on her and maintain my breathing. The burning stopped almost immediately when I simply used my breath. I leaned back into my husband, gave one last push and our little man finally arrived. I could hear my husband laughing and sobbing behind me as we held the most beautiful baby boy we had ever seen. We had both been birth warriors that night, helping each other to welcome our sweet boy to the world.

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William Roman Yaeger joined us on May 10th, at 9:48AM, weighing 6 lbs. 9 ounces and measuring 19 inches long. He was healthy and perfect in every way!

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We have to thank our compassionate midwives, our strong doula, our knowledgeable HypnoBirthing instructors, and my amazing prenatal yoga instructor for helping us to have the calm and gentle birth experience we imagined. Not only was it an incredibly empowering experience for me as a women transitioning into motherhood, but our family bond is now stronger than ever! We are forever grateful.

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I am great at falling in love with an idea; I have become an expert at it in fact. If it has anything to do with empowering women and children, you can pretty much expect that I am on board. I’ve done this for most of my adult life, thinking that I am doing such a great job at helping others, when in fact I was probably not giving my whole attention to them and I certainly was not honoring my boundaries.

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When I went on my latest mission to find out what I really wanted to do with my life career wise, I saw how often I give until I am burnt out. Sometimes I didn’t even complete the studies or the project, because in the middle of it I almost gave myself a nervous breakdown. However, my husband saw this happening over and over, which is why he felt the need to finally tell me to make up my damned mind already. I honestly think he was so tired of sharing me with 1,000 other “things” that I was trying to do in addition to being a devoted wife and mother. He wants to see me do something I love and become as great as I can be at it. I love him for smacking me upside the head (figuratively of course) and waking me up. If I kept up to my usual routine, I would have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on educating myself and have nothing but burnout to show for it.

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So, now I know that I can say no. I am still coming to grips with the fact that I might be letting people down when I do so, but I have to put myself first. You will see my running theme of putting yourself first in my latest writings, because this is such a new concept for me, I just can’t stop talking about it. I’ve always thought of that as being so self-absorbed and indulgent that I would feel guilty even talking about it. Now I know that if you can put yourself first then you can love those around you so much more completely, and there is nothing wrong with that.

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I have now picked my new career and am working on those studies. I am putting my whole self into it, which is totally new to me. I am so used to being spread so thin, but I won’t let myself go there again. I have set up boundaries, and of course I have realistic flexibility, but I am sticking to those boundaries. I have actually written out my goals, so I know what I am working towards. I have written out the only work I am allowing myself to do, so I won’t be spread thin and I am saying no to anything that doesn’t fit in there. As a result I am seeing how much time and happiness I have; everything “fits”. I have time for work, time for studies, time for my friends and family, and time for ME. Who knew there were so many hours in a day!

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Do you know what you are working towards? Try making a list of what you want to see yourself doing, both personally and professionally. Put that somewhere where you can see it often so you don’t lose sight of where you are going.

I have had to work hard at balancing the play time and the work time, because it doesn’t come easy. I can’t make a rigid schedule because, honestly, every day brings something new. Usually I schedule my day the night before and so far that is working out pretty well. However, like I mentioned before, I have to remember that my other tasks (eating, playing, and exercising) are just as important as that work time.
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I’ve recently added a new word into the dictionary in my head: self-care. In all of the work I’ve done for myself in the past few months, the importance of self-care became extremely apparent. It was something I had neglected to do before, because I honestly thought that it should always come second, since it is just self-indulgence. Oh how wrong I was!
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No one can be an effective employee, mother, father, husband or wife if they aren’t making sure they are tending to themselves and their needs on a daily basis. When you neglect yourself, you can tell. Maybe you are more tired, or moody, or resentful…however your negative self might manifest, I am sure you know exactly what it looks like.
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Now, think of the opposite situation. Think of how different you are when you do practice self-care. Are you more patient, loving, and happy? Which one of those “selves” do you prefer? Which one does your friends and family prefer?
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It doesn’t take too much effort to plan some sort of self-care every single day. Even if you only can afford 5 minutes, you can provide excellent self-care. You can even take an everyday task and make it more enjoyable. I will provide some ideas below, don’t worry. So, on a daily basis (or you can even plan it the night before) schedule some sort of self-care, you will love the results you get from this. And don’t for one second think you are being self-indulgent, in order to love and care for others, you have to love and care for yourself!
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Here are some ideas for making everyday activities more enjoyable:
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- When cooking:
-put on some music and dance while you cook
- put your headphones on and listen to music (and tune everything else out)
- download a book you want to read onto your MP3 player and listen to that
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- When driving:
- listen to the book you’ve downloaded onto your MP3
- sing as loud as you want to, don’t worry about who is watching
- notice at least 5 things around you that are beautiful (you can do this, even on the freeways of LA)
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- When on a lunch break at work (take a ½ hour to eat and with the other ½):
- meditate
- nap (even if it’s a quick nap in the car)
- read a book
- take a walk
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Other ideas for self-care:
- exercise
- read
- sit in nature
- laugh
- get a massage
- play
- meditate
- reflect on the beauty of each day
- sing and/or dance
- garden
- write
- daydream
- call someone who uplifts you
- be present
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What kind of self-care do you practice?

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The ocean has this unlimited energy; we see it in its patterns, in its rhythms. Its waves never cease to come, sometimes they might be stronger than other times, but they are always there. Just like that energy in labor. My contractions will come, sometimes strongly and other times a little softer, but they will come, they will be there. And I will have the energy always there to meet it, again, sometimes strong and other times a little weaker, but it will be there for me to tap into.
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I take comfort in the thought of closing my eyes in labor and picturing the mystery and beauty of the ocean…I will tap into that and think about the mystery and beauty of childbirth. The millions of women that have gone deep within and found a part of themselves that they never knew was there before, and they used that to get them through; that great feminine wisdom. A wisdom that can’t be taught, it has to be experienced. There is so much beauty in the ocean, just as there is in a women finding that part of herself and awakening to it.

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Nature has lessons like this for us everywhere. We just have to open our eyes to it. Instead of shuffling through the day, going from one task to the next, be aware. What sounds do you hear? What do you see? What do you smell? Chances are you will learn something, perhaps something as seemingly small as, “Wow, that tree is beautiful, I’ve never noticed it before”. But just that “small” realization is a gift you can give yourself that day, and a place you can go back to when you need that beauty in your life.

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For me, that place is the ocean; I will continue to visit it often, like a child going to school, ready for my next lesson, my next experience.

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Where is that place for you?

For those of you that know me well, you know that I am constantly in one program or another, learning something new. I love to learn, I just can’t help it. There are so many things out there that I just need to know about. Unfortunately this all costs money and Steve is growing weary of me always in a class and not having much to show for it, other than excitement of course.
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So, for the last few weeks, I’ve been spending most of my free time researching online and reading books about all of the careers I’ve thought about doing. I have agreed to sit with my decision for a month, to make sure that I don’t change my mind when I’m in a different mood (yes, this happens often).
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For those that are wondering,-this is not the end of Confident Beginnings. Steve and I LOVE having our online store and working with Midwives and the homebirth community, we will continue to do that. I will also continue to offer placenta encapsulation, this is a service that I am extremely passionate about and could never give it up. However, there is a part of me that HAS to do more. I need to help people, that’s really what I was put here for, I have no doubt about it. Every “job” I’ve had until now has involved helping people… It’s what feeds my soul. When I am not helping, I feel like I am not serving my purpose.
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I am almost 100% sure that  I am going to be a Holistic Health Coach, possibly specializing in eating disorders. This would allow me to work with teens and women, helping them with body image issues, etc. Something I am very passionate about. If I chose this route, I could really use many of the skills I’ve trained for already: my years of teaching experience, bach flower practioner training, clairvoyant intuitive training, and my website that I never finished- UnEdited Women (all about body image). So I feel like this is almost something I’ve already been training for!
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This career appeals to me so much for so many reasons; being able to work with teens and women regarding their body image and self-esteem is just so intriguing to me. I am so passionate about helping teens and women view themselves in a healthy light, instead of the views of media and peers. If a woman is confident in herself, it reflects in every part of her life, there is no place in her life it will not affect.  A woman that is confident in herself won’t accept being a victim, at school, at work, to men, to her peers, or in her birthing.
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I have a couple more weeks to ponder this decision; however, every day that passes, the more “right” it feels to me. I genuinely excited to see where I will go in life, all I know for sure is that I will be making a positive imprint while I am here, I will not settle for anything else.